Changing A Mind

I am spending a lot of mental energy these days wrestling with other people's minds. That is, I know what they should be thinking, and what they are thinking ain't it.

I won't talk right now about whether I should be trying to change people's minds: I want to, I'm convinced it's right, so I'm going to.

But I do intend to talk about how best to do it.  How to change someone's mind.

Three sources have changed my mind about changing someone else's mind. The first explains when to speak and when to be silent.  The second, how to speak.  And the third hints at what to do instead.

1. When to talk.

Simple: if someone hasn't already made up their mind about a topic, what I say matters, so talk.  If they have, it doesn't, so shut up.

Shut up means I don't tell them facts to convince them of the truth.  I don't argue, don't expect them to change, don't bother being frustrated when they don't. Once someone has made up their mind, new facts aren't going to change it.  Don't try.

But that doesn't mean go away.

2. How to talk.

Changing their mind doesn't have to be the only goal (especially if it's impossible). We can switch to negotiation, compromise, or simply heartfelt communication.  Here's how (simple, again): agree.  Find something meaningful to agree on.

(And here's a funny thing about agreement: it's not cooperative, it's unilateral! Agreement is something I do alone. If it's my idea to find agreement, I don't have to make you do anything at all to make it happen;  and also, there's nothing you can do to prevent it.)

A discussion that starts with disagreement stays in disagreement and goes nowhere. A discussion that starts with agreement can build on that and keep moving. If I give up my ego's grip, finding something we can agree on isn't hard: it's a shared goal, idea, perception; a shared experience or learning; even the shared conviction that we both have the same needs and desires, and we are both doing our best.

Or even: what we disagree on really isn't all that important.

3. What to do instead.

If a mind that's decided itself can't change itself, what can? If agreement and heartfelt communication are still possible and meaningful, even with closed minds, what does that imply? 

Michael Pollan in his book "How to Change Your Mind" summarizes studies on the effect of psychedelics on people with depression, addiction, and extreme fear of impending death. So what's the effect? Relief and recovery, basically. And what's his idea of why it works?  It provides release from the ego's tyranny. The studies' participants discovered, each in their own way, that their self-important mind was not the truest source of identity. With a larger sense of self comes release of tenaciously held beliefs and stories of identity -- a change of mind, and a mind more open.  

As much as I would like to, I'm not going to force feed someone mushrooms when I need them to think differently. I am, however, going to try to do the very thing that I want them to do: I will try to see a bigger picture, a larger identity for us both, a more inclusive and expansive world in which we both already live.