"Are You Gay?"

It depends on who's asking.

To most people who ask me, I can simply say, Nope, I'm straight.

But if I were to be asked by someone like my beloved and brave sister in law -- because she's an active member of a church currently struggling painfully with issues of sexual preference and gender -- I could try to be a little more helpful.  (She didn't actually ask; but if she did...)

First, let's remember that sexual preference isn't just a binary question, gay or straight, yes or no; rather, it's usually been thought of as a scale.  Everyone falls somewhere on a scale, with same-sex preference on one end and opposite-sex preference on the other.

But I believe it's actually two scales:  one is "attraction to opposite sex", and a second separate scale is "attraction to same sex".  And on each scale, one end is "strongly attracted" and the other end is "repulsed".  Every person's brain is wired to some position on each scale, and their position on each scale is independent of their position on the other.  Note that both scales are measures of very simple old-brain animal-level innate attraction -- not attitudes, beliefs, wishes or "shoulds".

I think of the center point, "neutral", as 0;  positive numbers in one direction go up to 10, "strongly attracted; negative numbers in the other direction go to negative 5, "repulsed" -- it only goes to -5, not -10, because repulsion is seldom as strong as attraction.  

(Also, I believe that for both men and women -- though I'm sure women's hormones are way more complicated -- a person's testosterone level strongly affects the numeric value of both scales: higher level corresponds to larger numbers, either positive or negative.  But testosterone level does NOT determine the base point on each scale, or its direction, positive or negative: that's all determined by brain wiring.  In other words, regardless of your sex or your feelings to either sex, testosterone makes you less neutral.)

Very importantly, there's also a third scale:  gender expression.  This scale is not determined by the other two scales, but is very much culturally conditioned.  One end of this scale is 10 "Yin" (expression we commonly associate with feminine) and the other 10 "Yang" (commonly male);  0 would signify androgynous.  Each person, at any time, has a point or a range of expression in which they feel most natural, most themselves.  This is independent from sexual preference.

Note that there is no "normal" on any of these scales; each person has their own normal, and it is guaranteed to change with time.  And no point on any of them is more "right" or "wrong" than any other.  There are points on each scale that represent some specific statistical measure, such as "mode" (most common). Likewise there is usually a point on each scale which is proscribed by the culture or subculture as recommended or most desirable.  But statistics or culture is not morality, and "just because most people do it doesn't make it right".  Right?  There is no scale that represents right or wrong.

Ok, I lied:  I DO believe there is a fourth "right and wrong" scale related to sexual preference.  Its measure is this:  Do I work toward self awareness and self acceptance of my innate position on the scales? And do I avoid intentionally misrepresenting my position on the scales to others?  

Now, to answer the question, in it's more complete form:  I would consider myself an 8 (down from 10) on opposite-sex attraction, -1 on same-sex attraction, and about 2 Yang.  I think I'm fairly honest, to myself and to others about my sexual preferences and presentation, though if you ask I would willingly tell you exactly where I have trouble...

Satisfied?


Note:  I haven't mentioned religion at all;  but if you are someone for whom the Christian Bible is authoritative, here is a download of the excellent discussion recommended by my sister in law:
http://reconcilingworks.org/images/stories/downloads/resources/003_Homosexuality_and_the_Bible-Wink.pdf


(Later addition:  I have added discussion of a "Fifth Scale" in a later article, which I highly recommend!)

(Now I'm going to go out on a skinny limb:  These are my own ideas, and I have practically no evidence except my own experience. "Don't quote me on this.")

It may be that along with strong attraction to opposite sex, "straight" men may often be wired with a certain amount of aversion to physical intimacy with their same sex.  (I think it's different for women.)  For instance, for me, I feel a slight aversion to the imagined image of myself lying against and stroking a nice flat hairy male chest. This may be just as much evolutionarily hard wired as my strong attraction to female primary and secondary sexual attributes. And here's why it may matter: (1) a slight natural low-level animal non-value-judging same-sex aversion might be warped and skewed by other factors into a very much value-judgement-based homophobia.  A natural feeling might be amplified and twisted into a very unnatural fear or judgement.  (2) I have noticed in myself that my slight aversion to a flat chest complicated my adjustment to my previous partner's total mastectomy. As much as both men and women can say it shouldn't matter, it does:  at the same animal level of the sexual attraction that made the man partner with that woman instead some man, if sex is still important to them then her flat chest can now complicate their recovery from an illness that's already traumatic -- not just because of the attraction that's now missing, but because of a possible triggered aversion that could now appear.